I WAS ON THE HOT MESS EXPRESS
It was 2017, I remember slivers of hope that there was something better out there for me. But I had absolutely no line of sight to it.
I was shut down in my relationships. Cycling from unavailable man to unavailable man with so much hope that he could “be the one” and found myself settling for crumbs left and right. I was letting alcohol make decisions for me instead of my body.
This diet of crumbs trickled over to my work too. I was shut down in a job I didn't like and had so much anxiety checking email all the time and merely walking into the office every day to see what dumpster fire I’d be putting out.
I had zero boundaries with my work and would burn the midnight until 11am then back for an 8am meeting the next day.
I took others' advice as gospel because I didn't have a trusting relationship with my own inner voice which took me down unfulfilling paths and made me feel lonely.
I tried to get help in all those parts of my life in isolation, but all roads led to one place. A place I’d been avoiding at all costs. They led me to the pain I wasn’t allowing myself to feel.
For me it was unattended grief. Whatever your story line might be, you know what I’m talking about. It’s the stuff that’s easier to sweep under the rug.
I finally got sick of my own antics. They weren’t working.
So I went for it. I dug into the thing I was most scared of. My mom’s journal (that she gifted me) on the day of my dad’s death when I was just 4. I darted toward it. I knew it would hurt. But I knew I was ready to face my fears because the alternative was already hurting enough.
I read the day of his death. I read how my 4 year old self reacted. How I demanded to see my daddy one last time and my mom took me to the funeral home where I kissed his head.
This was not a pretty night of reading. It was messy AF. I emptied a box of tissues that night but I felt more connected to my truth than I ever had. And that’s how it started. That step was the first of many in facing my fears and untangling my grief.
What would be the hardest thing for you to face, my love?