In November, I sat in my car with a first-time prescription for Lexapro in my hands.
I had found myself in this awful loop where I was too tired/down to do the things that I knew would make me feel good, and then I was beating myself up for not doing said things. As a corporate employee, perhaps I was slithering by with glimpses of this behavior, but as an entrepreneur this was directly impacting my ability to provide for my basic needs.
There was a lot of buzzing in my head as I sat with that prescription in my hand.
Some shame. Some hope. Some bewilderment as to how the eff I got here.
Clarity has since come and I’ll invite you into my story…
About a year before this car moment, I had broken away from the socially congratulatory way of life. I left corporate. I started talking about two of the most taboo topics on the internet- grief & s3xuality. I’ve been so vulnerable as I’ve been fighting for my self expression. It’s hard enough being a woman in our society who are often subject to shame, ridicule and judgment at every turn. Let alone a scandalous woman, revealing her heart and her body on the internet.
To some, I’m sure I’m the “who does she think she is to be so bold, so free, so purpose-led?” kind of woman.
But the truth is I’ve done something that many won’t do in many lifetimes. I’ve left stock options on the table. I’ve left financial security. I’ve moved to an island without a community of friends.
When we have major change, uplevels and transformation in our lives…
Grief makes sense here. Depression makes sense here. Anxiety makes sense here. (and if you struggle with grief, depression, anxiety, your reasons and experiences are valid too).
You see, when we are in the depths of transformation, we don’t know who the fuk we are for long periods of time. Think about the chrysalis. The goo that the caterpillar becomes before becoming a butterfly. It’s truly one of the most perplexing timeframes to be in. And our desire to have it all figured out can be so distracting from just being with it all.
Major transformation and uplevels require us to come back to the basics of self care and the foundations of support.
We need integration periods in growth. We have to regulate our nervous systems at new levels of support before we “keep pushing”.
It’s been trial by error practice over here, I’ve been experimenting with what practices bring me life force energy. Cultivating life force energy is important because it’s needed in order to starve off negative thought spirals.
Here are a few of my go-to’s (save for your list): Breath-work Yoga Chanting Walks in nature In person connection with a friend Drinking lots of Water Getting lost in a book Pulling goddess cards
Every day I’ve been taking note of what activities I’ve practiced and how they’ve made me feel or how my day has gone after the practice. This is all data. Determining what is adding to my energy bank and what is withdrawing from my energy bank.
I’m curious, can you relate at all to what I shared?
(I want to add that there’s still so much stigma around mental health and medication and I encourage you to get a therapist, to seek support systems and to get yourself the support you deserve. Medication is a godsend and if that’s a path you’ve taken, power to you).