A few years ago I placed a ton of trust in external factors. Every day I found myself reciting and writing affirmations about trusting in the universe to guide me as I was going through a really big transition. I looked around my life and realized nothing fit - my job, my lifestyle, my surroundings. I knew I was on the pathway of burning it all down and letting it build itself anew. The demolition was scheduled but hadn’t commenced. I didn’t have much to grasp onto except universal trust. Universal trust was probably the most precious thing I had. I found myself being encouraged by signs of something greater than me that I was on the right path. It was beautiful and a time I’ll always cherish.
Over the past two years, I’ve felt this universal connection lessen. And frankly, I’ve grieved it. I’ve grieved this connection to something greater than myself. I’ve grieved this old version of myself that doesn’t quite fit. But something else has been brewing inside me. I’ve been studying tantra for 18 months and I’ve been traveling inward, way way inward. I’ve placed that same sense of trust within myself. I’ve cultivated such a strong inner ecology that my place of refuge is now inside me. It’s mind blowing to say this because 3 years ago, inside me was the scariest place on earth. I avoided being with myself at all costs. And yet here we are, my inner world has become my sacred universe. That universe that I used to identify with externally is actually within me. I am it.
As I’ve endured personal challenges over the past year: departing my corporate career identity and building my business from scratch. I have a deep knowing that every blockage that I encounter, I can hold myself from within, with understanding, compassion, and love.
Yet, the grief is still there. Grief for that younger version of myself. Grief is sneaky. We can grieve past versions of ourselves just as prominently as we grieve loss of people, jobs, relationships, etc. It’s helpful to move with relationship to what is shedding.